Post surgery legs and reset day 8 and I’m going in deep today so fasten your seatbelts this is completely transparent as promised.
I should want to burn my crutches already....and possibly this brace too, right? That’s the expected consensus for a fitness girl like me I’m sure. However, I feel the opposite and I’m shocked and a tad bit shameful that I’m not AS grief stricken as I think I should be... it’s a strange counter intuitive pull in the opposite direction. Sure I miss just about everything that I could do before the injury AND yes I want to be outside enjoying the summertime mountain trails and at this point when I can finally have a shower it will feel like a trip to the day spa, but I’m also a fitness girl who was a single mom and a one woman multiple fitness business owning show for the majority of my last 12 years in the industry. I am a super rare case of someone who is lucky enough to make a living from my passion and purpose, but with that also means that the stakes were high. Perform, compete, and pushing my body’s limits were my daily mindset. The pressure of “walking the walk” is really in my industry “looking the walk”. I connected my ability to earn money with my ability to look “Uber fit” (which was never enough and in my mind I could always be leaner, more muscular, have a smaller waist, the list goes on and on). At some point down the line it became even more important than my own personal health, strength and athletic ability. All of that suffered and I lost precious time because it consumed me and my thoughts. My inner self doubting voice whispered and sometimes screamed, “If you don’t look a certain way you can’t provide” which was my reality back then.
My reality was dark and lonely at times. Consumed by the fear of not being ENOUGH fitness became a chore instead of my life’s work and passion.
(*** in true transparency as promised I’ll revisit this topic and more on my dark days later through this journey as I heal)
Circling back around to my current couch bound situation; let’s be clear fitness is and always will be my jam. It’s how I feel empowered and how I help empower others, but everyone needs a reset button to rejuvenate, shift and re energize. I’ve had resets before where I have reinvented myself in fitness or even taken a break from the day to day altogether, but this reset is MUCH different because I was given a hall pass. The universe gave me permission to sit back put my feet up (literally) and accept that I am ENOUGH with or without “looking the walk”
— at St. Lukes Clinic.